Tony, a CEO I’d just started working with, in one sense had an appreciative leadership team!
They were grateful that Tony was always willing to listen to their issues, understand their situation, empathise with them and go all out to support them. However problems were brewing, problems that eventually erupted…
Two members of Tony’s leadership team, on separate occasions, strongly voiced their frustration at how they considered that three of their peers were getting away with too much. They spoke angrily about how they perceived that their boss had failed to confront inadequate performance quickly enough—or assertively enough.
When this eruption occurred Tony felt as if a Mack truck had hit him. His confidence took a dive. And he lost a lot of sleep because he wasn’t clear on how to deal with his team’s frustration, anger and overall dissatisfaction with his leadership characteristics and habits.
He’d overworked his “tender” muscle—by always being so understanding, by never playing devil’s advocate, by letting a number of occasions of inadequate performance slip under the bridge and by never putting his foot down.
By allowing his “tough” muscle to atrophy, Tony’s team members lost respect for him and actually became quite de-motivated!
Is Using Your “Tough” Muscle the Answer?
Let’s consider another coachee—Cheryl, a Managing Director of a medium-sized professional organisation. Her leadership habits were clearly at the other end of the tough—tender continuum!
Cheryl was a “go for the jugular”, a “call a spade a shovel”, type of leader.
Her leadership team was in awe of her business acumen and drive. Her single-point focus on achieving targeted results was certainly admirable. But what they didn’t admire was the way she rode roughshod over them, sometimes almost barking instructions. And her habit of publicly criticising their approach or their results, without considering their current situation or perspective, was downright embarrassing.
She’d overworked her “tough” muscle—by seldom being very understanding, by always playing devil’s advocate, by jumping very, very quickly on anything that looked like inadequate performance and by frequently putting her foot down.
By allowing her “tender” muscle to atrophy, Cheryl’s team members lost respect for her and actually became quite de-motivated!
Which Muscle Are You in The Habit of Using?
It’s not that we’re dammed if we do, and dammed if we don’t!
Clearly the down side of using too much “tender” or too much “tough” are de-motivated team members who choose not to engage fully with their work—team members whose discretionary effort is, at best, minimal.
Now I would doubt that you, or the leaders around you, are as extreme as Tony or Cheryl, but I do want to pose these questions to you:
- Which of your muscles gets worked out the most?
- Is your “tender” muscle sitting there ready to empathise and support, and ready to give others the benefit of the doubt?
- Or is your “tough” muscle quite pumped, and single-mindedly focusing on achieving your objective?
It’s not that you are either a “tough” or “tender” leader.
These questions imply an important underlying fact: You have the capacity to be both “tender” and “tough”.
Although you may have a hard-wired preference to favour one approach or the other (which has resulted in one leadership muscle being exercised more and becoming over-developed), you can decide to develop other attributes and blend them with your existing characteristics. You don’t have to “lead with a limp” 
.
I Need to Make a Cautionary Remark…
In my experience, here’s what happens:
- If you’ve been neglecting your “tough” muscle, it’s likely that you’re aware of the consequences that you’re creating—and you haven’t been sure what to do about it.
- If you’re like other leaders who’ve habitually been giving their “tough” muscle too much of a work out, up until now you’re much less likely to have noticed the costs of being “tough”.
“He doesn’t know when others haven’t bought in,” was a description I recently heard of a “tougher” leader.
Let’s face it—others are much less likely to communicate openly with you if they perceive that you don’t consider that alternative thoughts may exist. Yikes!
Your Leadership Call to Action
How do you know if you’re using too much “tough” or too much “tender”?
First, I want you to endeavour to candidly respond to these questions that I posed earlier:
- Which of your muscles gets worked out the most?
- Is your “tender” muscle sitting there ready to empathise and support, and ready to give others the benefit of the doubt?
- Or is your “tough” muscle quite pumped and single-mindedly focusing on achieving your objective?
Even if you think you immediately know the answers to these questions, you have a second assignment:
- Ask others around you how they’d answer these questions about you. Ask your team members, your peers, your boss, your spouse, your children. (Maybe we’d better stop there).
As always, please email me to arrange a time to chat if you’d like support—either support with getting enough valid feedback, or with knowing what steps would be valuable for you once you’ve received your feedback.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Carolyn Stevens has worked with leaders for more than 25-years—hundreds of them.
She’s supported leader after leader (including those who previously struggled to confront the difficult, let alone persuasively deal with the it) flourish—and become confident, courageous and impressively influential.
Carolyn is authentic and results-oriented. She draws on an eclectic array of approaches, tools and techniques to suit the situation.
