I often write about how to deal with conflict.
That’s because there are so many leaders who don’t master conflict. They therefore grapple with managing their tension and stress and unwittingly stall their careers.
You’ll benefit from checking out this template if you:
- Feel nervous when conflict strikes, or
- Find yourself side-stepping hard-to-handle, difficult situations, or
- Have an inkling that your success, and your career, could be hampered because you haven’t been dealing with conflict as an admirable leader would.
| Destructive Approach:
You’ll struggle with conflict |
Constructive Approach:
Do this and you’ll |
| You attempt to win regardless of the impact that your win has on the other person.
“What could work for them?” isn’t something that enters your head. |
You focus on a win/win outcome.
If you can’t think of a win for them, you could say, “It’s important to me that we figure out something that’s going to work for both of us. What could work for you?” |
| You’re accusatory and blaming.
You have a habit of verbally pointing your finger at the other person by using phrases like “You should have…” or “If you hadn’t…”. |
You focus on a win/win outcome.
If you can’t think of a win for them, you could say, “It’s important to me that we figure out something that’s going to work for both of us. What could work for you?” |
| You don’t habitually try to understand how things are in their world.
You don’t consider getting out of your shoes and asking yourself “How is this situation for them?” |
You always reflect on the other person’s position—their situation, their needs and their concerns.
You want to understand how the world looks from their perspective. |
| You’re impulsive when you make statements and answer questions.
You react emotionally, rather than respond skilfully. |
Your responses are thoughtful, pragmatic and measured.
You’re aware of the costs of reacting emotionally—and avoid doing that. |
| It’s not top-of-mind for you to think respectfully about them.
Your behaviour probably indicates that you don’t respect them. “Sooner or later we act out what we really think!” |
You think of them in a respectful way—and you behave respectfully towards them.
You listen supportively and you let them know that you’ve heard their perspective. |
| Your focus is on what’s not OK.
You talk about the ins-and-outs of problems—at length. |
You’re solution oriented.
As soon as possible, you talk about how the problem might be resolved. |
When Your Approach Is Destructive…
…you’ll provoke frustration and anger. The other person will often try to find a way (overtly or covertly) to get even with you. And communication is likely to shut down.
This is bad for productivity and for your career.
When You’re Constructive…
…you’ll get important issues on the table. You’ll stimulate critical thinking and creativity.
Watch. Productivity will radically improve—as will your career opportunities!
Your Call to Action
Changing these behaviours is simple—but not easy.
The simple bit about the 7 constructive behaviours is understanding what needs to be done. The more difficult bit is habituating the new behaviour.
After all, you’ve spent a few years practising some of those destructive behaviours, right?
Now it’s time to practice the “constructive” behaviours. Focus on them—practice until you have 100% consistency with them.
How will it be when you confidently and competently confront conflict, the minute you have an inkling that conflict is lurking?
“Carolyn provides a safe and comfortable environment which allows honest airing of issues, and therefore an opportunity to develop specific and useful strategies for leadership. (My coaching) has been an excellent experience.” — General Manager, Health Service
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Carolyn Stevens has worked with leaders for more than 25-years—hundreds of them.
She’s supported leader after leader (including those who previously struggled to confront the difficult, let alone persuasively deal with the it) flourish—and become confident, courageous and impressively influential.
Carolyn is authentic and results-oriented. She draws on an eclectic array of approaches, tools and techniques to suit the situation.
