...Approximate reading time: Around 2 minutes
A dictionary definition of rapport: "affinity, mutual understanding, bond, empathy"
I don’t know why this bell hadn’t rung so loudly earlier with me. Call me slow if you like. But it was a superb realisation when it occurred…
Last week, when in dialogue with a leader I coach, I got real clarity on how you can't be in rapport with someone whilst you’re critically judging them, either what they have done or how they’ve behaved. Rapport and critical judgment—the grease and the H2O don’t go!
So we have a problem here because…
Let’s think about it, as a leader, you have three choices when one of your team members, or a peer, or even your boss, does something that gets under your skin. You can:
- Do nothing.
Ignoring it isn’t an ideal choice for the leader who’s driving efficiency, productivity and results.
- Request or demand that they change their behaviour.
But that’s not likely to get you very far either.
- Influence them.
Contemporary leaders are skilled at influencing others—persuasively shaping others’ thoughts, feelings and actions.
Having Rapport Is Critical If You’re To Influence Someone
And if you’re going to stand a chance of positively influencing the other person, rapport is a must-have building block.
“OK” I hear you say, “When I’m not appreciating what a team member, a peer, or my boss has done or how they’ve behaved, and I want to positively influence them, what can I do?”
Stay Away For Now
Let’s be pragmatic about this. Because “sooner or later we act out what we really think”, I suggest that, if possible, you stay away from them until you’ve stopped judging and criticising them!
And when you’ve been able to think more constructively about them, only then is it sensible to go and have your influential discussion with them.
“Think Constructively About Them? Are You Crazy?”
Now listen up. This is important…
The thing is, you actually don’t know enough about them to judge them!
You probably don’t know the intimate details about what happened to them earlier in the day, the drama they had last week, the huge crisis they had to deal with last month, and that last year they had three serious family catastrophes, and when they were ten something happened that will probably impact them forever. And, as well, their genetic disposition has them being inclined to conduct themselves as they do too…
You get the point, don’t you?
You haven’t walked in their shoes, you don’t have their relatives, you don’t know what pressures and stresses they’re currently experiencing, and have been exposed to—so how can you judge them?
What Could You Accept Or Appreciate?
Think carefully about this…
What’s something about the other person you can tolerate? Or even better, what could you value about them?
And, if after thinking about it, you haven’t yet come up with anything about the other person you could value—I hate to do this to you—will you ask yourself the question again?
If you ask often enough you’ll certainly come up with an answer. (That’s how the unconscious brain works .)
I truly do understand that the other person sometimes:
- Makes it harder for you to do a good job
- Appears incompetent
- Seems to be behaving in a self-interested way, or
- Says they’ll do something, and they don’t do it.
And from where you sit, they’re not being reliable, professional, competent, win/win oriented, consistent, and so on.
Hmmm, what I notice about many leaders who are not-yet-quite-great is that they complain and criticize about other people, rather than do what they need to do in the interests of efficiency, productivity and results…
Your Leadership Call to Action
When all this frustrating, annoying stuff was going on, if you were behaving at your best, if you were being an exemplary leader, what would you be doing? How would you be reacting? What would we notice about your behaviour?
I know that wouldn’t include any finger-pointing, accusatory stuff. It would be appreciating whatever you could find to appreciate, and—it would be putting yourself in a viable rapport-building position, an influential position.
Who knows, once you’ve shifted your behaviour you might even be able to get them to shift their behaviour too 
.
Keep your comments and feedback flowing in!
All the best until next time,
